To stay connected
To be grounded
To remember my hearts longing
i want to tell you that these overwhelming feelings of gut wrenching grief and doubt
these feelings of not being enough
of being utterly alone
you will survive them
even though you feel like you are drowning and everyone you have ever known is standing silently at the edge of the pool with pity written all over their faces
you will make it through
right now feels like ten thousand red hot pokers inches from your skin
it is just you burning
the fire consuming the millions of miles of thorns you have just walked through
this fire will dim
ready to release the lies you have told yourself all these years while you were trying to hold on to something not meant for you
hold on dear one
you are becoming
as the sun sets behind the mountain tonight i want to tell you how much you mean to this world
the gifts you have to share the stories you have to tell
the worlds you have to live
i want you to know every time your children look at you all they see is infinite love
because that is what you are
i want to tell you to let go of the should haves and the days you did nothing but ache for him when you should have been living for you
let it go
i want you to know that you will make it out of these long dark days of racing thoughts, terror and denial
you are an ember
about to become
fuel for a deeply rooted tree
because you know. you see.
you are not alone my love
you will come out of this with scars, wicked scars that will invite you to remember them often
they are your armor
they will be your strength
you are becoming more. and less and every thing.
It so amazing to be sitting here. This space seemed so far away months ago. Unattainable. Frightening. Having failed so miserably at too many things all at once I found myself suffering profoundly. In a way I had never suffered before.
Slowly the healing came. Ever so slowly.
My heart. Growing stronger, more open, expanding. I could feel the uncomfortableness, the doubts the ache. I never felt so raw and open and stripped down in all of my life. I felt like I was dying.
Now I know I was being reborn.
Here I am sitting in a space I created for art and community. For healing and expanding. A place my whole body wanted. Every cell. For what I know now was my whole life. And I get to tell my story, and find people who are ready to tell theirs. And we will build a place of belonging and connection. And it will be uncomfortable and messy at times, and that will be the best part of it. Because I know now whole forests are created from fire and ash.
I have been thinking a lot about my Mom the last few weeks. This time of year always brings her to the surface. Her birthday 9/11 and her death 10/1 so close together it’s hard not to let her come near. It’s the chipping away of the solid ugly horrid wall that she built around her that leaves me tired and wondering if I could have chipped harder or climbed higher to reach her. But that is not a child’s job. And I tell myself that almost every day. I’m beginning to notice small pieces of light filtering through the memories now. Glimmers of how she made me better. There was a time I could only thank her for giving me life, now I see there was good somehow in the storm that she was. And I loved her, demons, darkness and all.